“Hey! What’s up? How are you?”
How am I supposed to answer that when I don’t know how I am and I’m not supposed to tell anyone what’s up? I hate to sound very adolescent cliché about my situation, but Jessie’s tongue was in my mouth last night and I’m supposed to answer that question with:
“Nothing. Good. How are you?”
“Fine. I’m kinda freaked out about that math quiz, though.”
“Chill, it’s just math... It’s not that hard.”
“Maybe not for you. Whatever, I’ve gotta go study. See ya.”
“Bye.”
Seriously, how did I just get through that little conversation without blurting out:
“UMM, Jessie kissed me and now I have NO IDEA what to do when I see Lena today!”
I mean, we have a history. I get that. We dated for less than a month (and that’s a history?) and she broke up with me because she “couldn’t give me what I deserved”. Oh please. That’s the worst breakup excuse ever.
She told me later that she was worried that it was too soon and we didn’t know each other well enough.
I guess she’s not doubting our chemistry now.
Eleven months. I’ve spent eleven months wanting her. Eleven months of maybes, I-can’t-do-this-right-nows, but-my-exes, I’m-no-good-for-yous, and we-have-bad-timings.
“Funny thing is,” she said to me last week, “you dated someone else during that time.”
Yeah.
Funny.
I don’t think she realizes how much I hurt poor B (I call her B because Bertha is a terrible name). It was her first relationship, my second, and I broke up with her after eighteen days because of my ex (the lovely Jessica). Now I’m the one delivering the I-can’t-do-this-right-nows and the but-my-exes. I didn’t like hurting her, but it truly wasn’t fair if I was still trailing along on that tattered chord tied around my heart that hooks me to Jess.
Now I sound upset that I care about her-- I’m really not. I just get like this. I’m just trying to figure out how I actually feel.
She kissed me. She kissed me last night in her car and I know I should’ve high-tailed it out of there before it happened, because I knew it was coming and I don’t want Lena to be the next B, but honestly...
I wanted it to happen.
I wanted that kiss so badly.
She said it would fuck things up. She was right. I agreed.
But then she said nobody had to know, and it was just such good reasoning.
I could keep a secret.
Sure.
No, I really can’t, and I know I can’t. But I didn’t leave the car, and I think that shows something. I still like her. I thought I was over it. I was going to have a peaceful relationship with Lena, who has now been nicknamed “Pastel”. Why? Pastel clothes on the surface, pastel personality to match.
I went to bed last night and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Did I kiss alright? (I don’t know)
Was my breath okay? (I think so)
Were my lips chapped? (I hope not)
Was I awkward? (Probably)
Where should I have put my hand? (Definitely not where I did)
Basically,
Did she like it as much as I did?
I don’t really want to think about the answer, because I think I know. She’s kissed people before, I definitely haven’t. Granted, she’s only kissed guys (I think), but still. I’ve never kissed anyone like that.
Come to think of it: did she want to get back together? Probably not, because she’s a senior and it’s the middle of April.
Does she like me, or was it just physical? I honestly don’t know. She’s liked me before, but she’s also had purely physical feelings towards me.
Was it a “goodbye” kiss? Like, will we never do this again? Because right now I really want to do it again.
Then again, it’s like Meg has always said: Jess and I have chemistry. We will never be completely and totally over.
I just don’t know about anything anymore.
If I ever did know in the first place.

“Hi...”
Oh shit. I can’t take this right now. That smile. That way that she likes me all too much.
“How has your day been...?”
Please, please, please, let something happen that makes it so I don’t have to talk to Lena right now. I cared so much yesterday, but it’s like it all died with the kiss.
“Fine. How about yours?”
“Good...”
Please, please, stop smiling at me so much. Don’t give me that look of love.
“So when are you leaving on vacation...?”
Oh dear God. She wants to go on a date over April vacation. Shit, I cannot take this right now, I really can’t.
“Um, I think Saturday at like... noon.”
Now she’s looking at me all disappointed. I can’t hurt a fly and it sucks, but I have to make this better.
“Lena, I would ask if you wanted to do something on Friday, but I’m babysitting.”
“Oh...”
And now I’m going through the whole story of the kids I babysit for and how they live across the street so I just walk over to their house and walk back home. Why can’t I just be rude and not talk to her? It would make everything so much easier.
And now I have to sit with her at lunch because we’re at the cafeteria and I’ve done it for the past four weeks, so it’s not like I can’t just suddenly stop, because then both her and Jess will know that something is going on in my head and it will throw that damn triangle that we’ve got going into insanity.
Lena liked both me and Jess and I was jealous because I liked her. Jess just laughed and pursued me. Now I like Lena and Jess, and Lena is jealous and she doesn’t even know what happened last night. And I never could imagine before how nice a tongue could feel.
I hate girls, I hate them, I hate them, and yet I love them too much.

So now Jessie and I are playing the I-didn’t-see-you-and-that’s-why-I-didn’t-say-hello game. This is like September when the breakup was still fresh in our minds and we didn’t speak.
I don’t know if they will get better this time, but the whole “nobody has to know” thing is not working out so well because Jess and I are nobody. So we damn well know.
All this swearing is making me sound like a raging bull-dyke, and I really need to stop. Jess is a bad influence. I mean, she’s effeminate as hell, but she swears like a sailor. “Oh, fuck! They fucking fucked it up again! Fuckers!” That phrase is one that she has legitimately said to me before.

The worst part of all of this is the secretive shit. I mean, I can’t keep a secret at all. I’ve never been able to. The second I like someone new, all of my friends know. The day Jessie first kissed me, way back in June, I called about ten people up and told them. That wasn’t really a secret, but the point is that I wear my heart on my sleeve.
As I told Josie, I’m like a dog, while she’s like a cat. She’s secretive and even though I’m one of her closest friends, she tells me hardly anything about her life. I tell her everything important in mine.
Having such an unequal relationship with my best friend is kind of depressing, but I deal.

Wow. I just realized my entire situation. Yesterday I flirted shamelessly with my new “love interest”, and then that night made out with my ex-girlfriend. And yet this was not cheating because Lena and I are not dating, she just likes me a lot. I have no idea what my ex’s intentions are, and I know Lena won’t make the first move (pastels).
Basically, I’m in a bad position.
I know I like Jessie more.
I know Lena adores me.
I know she’d be very hurt if I stopped pulling this façade of adoring her back.
I know that in my ideal world I’d be with Jess.
I don’t know how she feels about me.
So I’m forced to make a decision between Lena and Jess while knowing nothing about the part that would help me the most to determine what to do.
Great. My life rocks.

“You know I still want to.”
“Want to-- what?”
“Captain Oblivious, paging Captain Oblivious.”

“My shoes are too good.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s totally why no one believes it.”
“Yes, it is.”

“We were too short-lived.”
“Ya think?”
“I was waiting for that.”

“She’s adorable.”
“I know, but...”
“Come on.”

“We just have bad timing.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“I know I’m right.”

“Remember when you thought I was leading you on?”
“Yeah.”
“I liked you. You just didn’t get it, Captain Oblivious.”